OK Sandra... I'm 45 and I Have No Idea What I Want Next.
The letter
Sandra,
Somebody asked me what I do for fun and I couldn't answer. I've been a wife and a mother and an employee for twenty-two years. All of those are ending or changing at once and I feel like I'm standing in an empty room.
Where does a grown woman even start?
— Blank Page, 45
Sandra says
Small. You start small, and you start with data instead of destiny.
The pressure you're feeling comes from believing you're supposed to produce a Next Chapter, capital letters, fully formed. You're not. You're supposed to find out what you like, and the only way to find that out is to do a lot of things badly for a while.
Here's what I'd want you to know about an empty room: it's not a verdict on the twenty-two years. Those years were real and they used real parts of you. But identities built entirely around other people's needs leave us without a practice of preference, and preference is a skill that atrophies. You're not broken. You're out of practice.
Try the smallest possible experiment. One new thing a week for eight weeks — a class, a drive, a restaurant alone, a library book on something you know nothing about. Rate each one honestly: again, or never. You're not looking for passion. You're building a list of 'again.'
And a money note, because freedom is partly arithmetic: know your actual numbers before you make any large decision. Options require knowledge. That's the whole point of this place.
Think about this
- What did you like at seventeen, before it became impractical?
- What's one hour a week that belongs to nobody but you?
- What decision are you postponing until you feel certain?
What would you tell her?
What was your first 'again' after a season of starting over?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Starting Over
- Self
- Money
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
Keep reading
Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.