The advice column for women and girls
Girl, let's talk about it.
Relationships. Friendships. Family. Health. Money. Faith. Life. And all the things we don't always say out loud.
Ask the question. Tell the story. Say the part you normally leave out.
You can talk about that here.
What's going on?
OK was never a question with only two answers.
Dear Sandra
Every letter opens the same way — OK Sandra... — and Sandra doesn't automatically take anyone's side. That's what makes it worth reading.
I've been with him two years and I feel like I spend most of that time explaining why things matter to me.
— Tired of Explaining, 29
Sandra says
Sweetheart, you asked two questions and only one of them is the real one. Let's start with the easy one: no. A phone call when plans change is not a lot to ask. That's not a high standard, that's logistics.
Read Sandra's responseEleven years of friendship and I can predict the phone call. It's never just to talk anymore.
— The One Who Answers, 34
Sandra says
You're not being petty. You're being depleted, and those feel similar from the inside but they are not the same thing.
Read Sandra's responseI check his phone. I read into his tone. I've become suspicious in a way I've never been with anyone.
— Somebody Else Lately, 31
Sandra says
Thank you for asking the harder version of the question. Most people write to me about him. You wrote to me about you.
Read Sandra's responseI said no to hosting the holiday this year and I've been sick about it for a week.
— Recovering Yes-Woman, 38
Sandra says
Because guilt is a feeling, not a verdict. You've been treating it like a jury.
Read Sandra's responseOK Sandra...
He liked his ex's picture at 2 a.m. Am I tripping?
They dated for four years and broke up before we met. It was one like on a beach photo. I've been up since.
Sandra's verdict: You might be overthinking this one.
Let's talk about itThe Relationship Check
We analyze the relationship. And we analyze how we show up in it. If someone takes three hours to text back and your brain immediately starts writing a breakup movie, let's talk about what might be happening.
Healthy disagreement has a floor: no contempt, no leaving mid-sentence, no punishment afterward. Couples who repair well disagree constantly.
Not 'am I allowed to' — do you actually do it? And what happens in the twenty minutes after?
Intentions are not commitments. Look at the last three promises and what happened to them.
Friends, money, sleep, ambitions, a Tuesday that isn't negotiated. Interdependence has two people in it.
Girl talk
We need to talk.
The Long Read
There's no ceremony for it. No one brings food. You just stop being someone's first phone call, and the world expects you to be normal at work on Monday.
9 min read
Essay
Being the one everybody calls is a compliment and a cage. What happens the night you're the one who needs the call?
7 min read
Short Read
'Sorry, quick question—' Where did we learn that curiosity requires a pre-emptive apology, and what does it cost us in meetings?
4 min read
Essay
Nobody did anything wrong. You just noticed you were performing an old version of yourself to keep the table comfortable.
6 min read
Health + Wellness
Perimenopause. Hot flashes. Brittle nails. Skin and body changes. Sleep that breaks at 3 a.m. Stress that shows up in your jaw. Real conversations about paying attention, using quality products, and being heard at the doctor.
Mother said...
Reflection
'Don't tell everybody your business.' At twenty it sounded like paranoia. At forty it sounds like a security policy.
Essay
She was right about a great deal and wrong about a few important things. Honoring her doesn't require carrying all of it.
Personal Story
A grocery list in a coat pocket. How ordinary objects ambush us, and why that's a form of company.
From the journal
At nineteen I filed myself down to fit rooms that were never going to make space. Here's what I'd tell her about volume, appetite, and who gets a vote.
Nobody remembers what you wore. You do, because you were the only one running the surveillance.
A letter to read at 50, filed under 'do not romanticize the part where you were scared.'
So she doesn't have to find them herself in the middle of needing them. Copy them if you want.
Ask Sandra
Tell Sandra. You can use your name, choose a display name, or ask to remain anonymous. Sometimes you need advice. Sometimes you need information. Sometimes you need a plan. Sometimes you just need girl talk.
Write to Sandra
Why Sandra?
OK SANDRA was created in memory of Sandra K. Brooks — a woman whose faith, honesty, compassion, and love for other women inspired all of this. What she gave was a straight answer and the sense that you could say the real thing out loud. That's what we're building here.
O is for Options. K is for Knowledge.
Meet SandraNot OK?
You don't have to be OK to start here.