OK Sandra... Am I Asking for Too Much?
The letter
Sandra,
I've been dating someone for two years. He's good to me in the ways people can see — he shows up, he's steady, my family likes him. But I feel like I'm always explaining why certain things matter to me. If I say I want him to call when he's going to be three hours late, we have a whole conversation about it. Then it happens again the next month and we have the same conversation from the beginning, like we never had it.
I've started keeping quiet just so I don't have to hear myself sound like a nag. Then I get resentful, and then something small sets me off and I look like the unreasonable one.
Am I asking for too much, or am I just bad at asking?
— Tired of Explaining, 29
Sandra says
Sweetheart, you asked two questions and only one of them is the real one. Let's start with the easy one: no. A phone call when plans change is not a lot to ask. That's not a high standard, that's logistics.
Now the real one. You said you're always explaining. That word is doing heavy lifting. Explaining is what we do when we believe the request won't be honored on its own merit — that it has to be justified first. Somewhere in these two years, you learned that your preferences need a legal brief attached. I'd like to know where you learned it, because I suspect it started before him.
Here's the part you may not want to hear. Keeping quiet and then erupting is not the same thing as communicating, and he is not a mind reader for the months in between. You can be genuinely wronged and still be handling it in a way that guarantees you won't be heard. Both of those can be true at once. The silence isn't peacekeeping; it's a loan you're taking out at a very high interest rate.
There's also a possibility worth sitting with: he may have heard you perfectly and simply not prioritized it. That's a different problem than a communication problem, and it needs a different answer. You'll know which one you have by what happens after a clear, calm, one-time request — not by how apologetic he sounds in the moment.
Try this. Once, in daylight, not during a fight: 'When plans change, I need a text. Not an explanation, not an apology — a text. Can you do that?' Then stop talking. Let him answer. Then watch the next ninety days. You are not gathering evidence for a trial. You're gathering information about whether the two of you can make a small agreement and keep it, because that is the muscle every larger agreement is built on.
And notice what you do with the resentment while you wait. That's your part of this.
Think about this
- When did you learn that your needs required an explanation before they counted?
- What is the actual request, stated in one sentence, with no justification attached?
- What do you do with a small disappointment before it becomes a large one?
- If nothing changed in ninety days, what would you want to do?
What would you tell her?
If your best friend read this letter out loud to you, what's the first thing you'd say to her?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
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- Relationships
- Communication
- Boundaries
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.