OK Sandra... My Friend Only Calls When She Needs Something.
The letter
Sandra,
We've been friends since our twenties. Lately I only hear from her when she needs a ride, a loan, or somebody to be mad on her behalf. I've helped every time. Then months go by and nothing — no check-in when my father was in the hospital, no call on my birthday.
I don't want to blow up eleven years over pettiness. But I'm tired.
— The One Who Answers, 34
Sandra says
You're not being petty. You're being depleted, and those feel similar from the inside but they are not the same thing.
Before we put her on trial, one honest question: have you ever asked her for anything? Some of us build friendships where we are permanently the capable one, and then feel unseen in a role we cast ourselves in. She may genuinely not know your father was in the hospital, because you're the friend who handles things. If that's true, part of this is repairable and part of it belongs to you.
If you have asked and she didn't show up, that's different. That's a reciprocity problem, and reciprocity is not a favor tally — it's whether both people are willing to be inconvenienced for the other.
You don't have to end an eleven-year friendship to change it. Friendships can be renegotiated, demoted, or put on a shelf without a funeral. You are allowed to love someone at a distance that doesn't cost you your evenings.
Try one clear sentence the next time she calls: 'I can't do that this week, but I'd love to see you Saturday just to talk.' Her response to being asked for presence instead of service will tell you almost everything.
Think about this
- When was the last time you asked her for something real?
- What role do you play in your friendships, and who assigned it?
- What would this friendship look like at 40% instead of 100%?
What would you tell her?
Is there a friendship in your life that needs renegotiating rather than ending?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Friendship
- Boundaries
- Self
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.