OK Sandra... I Love Him, But I Don't Like Who I Am Around Him.
The letter
Sandra,
I have never been a jealous person. With him, I'm somebody I don't recognize. I check things. I reread texts. I go quiet and hope he notices. I hate it.
He hasn't cheated as far as I know. But something in me is always braced.
— Somebody Else Lately, 31
Sandra says
Thank you for asking the harder version of the question. Most people write to me about him. You wrote to me about you.
Here's what I'd want you to look at. Bracing is a response, and responses come from somewhere. Sometimes the somewhere is history — a previous partner, a parent, a childhood where you learned to read a room before you entered it. Sometimes the somewhere is right in front of you: inconsistency that's small enough to deny and steady enough to feel. Your body often registers a pattern before your mind will let you name it.
So the question isn't 'am I crazy.' It's 'what am I responding to?' Those require two different answers, and you deserve the accurate one.
I'd also say plainly: checking his phone is not going to give you peace. It gives you a hit of relief and then raises the dose. If you're doing something you hate, that's worth addressing on its own, regardless of what he is or isn't doing.
This is a good place for a professional — a therapist who can help you sort inherited alarm from present-day evidence. That's not a diagnosis and it's not a punishment. It's getting a second set of eyes on your own history.
One practical step: write down, for two weeks, only what actually happened — no interpretation. Just events. Then read it. You'll learn whether you're living with a pattern or a fear, and you'll stop trying to decide that at 1 a.m.
Think about this
- Who taught you to brace? Was it him, or did he inherit the habit already installed?
- What does checking actually give you, and how long does it last?
- Who were you in your last relationship, and what changed?
What would you tell her?
Have you ever become someone you didn't like inside a relationship — and what got you back?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
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- Relationships
- Self
- Communication
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.