OK Sandra... Why Do I Feel Guilty Every Time I Say No?
The letter
Sandra,
I told my family I couldn't host Thanksgiving. It's the first time in nine years. Nobody yelled. My sister said 'okay, we'll figure it out.' And I have felt physically ill ever since.
Why does doing the right thing for me feel like doing something to them?
— Recovering Yes-Woman, 38
Sandra says
Because guilt is a feeling, not a verdict. You've been treating it like a jury.
For a lot of women, guilt shows up any time we do something unfamiliar, not just something wrong. If your worth in your family was built on being useful, then being less useful will register as danger even when everyone around you is fine. Your sister said 'okay.' The emergency is happening entirely inside you.
Sit with that for a second, because it's good news. Nothing broke. The relationship absorbed a no. That's real information about how sturdy your family is, and it directly contradicts the story guilt is telling you.
Now the accountability part: a boundary goes both directions. If you say no to hosting, you also don't get to critique how they do it. Let it be imperfect. Bring a pie and keep your commentary to yourself.
Practical: expect the guilt to visit for about three occasions. It usually shows up, finds nothing to do, and stops coming. Don't renegotiate your no in week two because you feel bad in week one.
Think about this
- What did being 'good' require of you growing up?
- Is anyone actually upset, or are you predicting it?
- What would you have to give up if you kept saying yes?
What would you tell her?
What's one no you're glad you finally said?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Boundaries
- Self
- Family
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.