OK Sandra... He Says I'm Too Sensitive.
The letter
Sandra,
Whenever I bring something up, we end up talking about my tone, my timing, or how sensitive I am. We never get to the actual thing. By the end I'm apologizing.
Sometimes I do get emotional. So maybe he has a point?
— Apparently Dramatic, 27
Sandra says
You can be emotional and still be right about what happened. Those are separate matters and he keeps stapling them together.
Here's the distinction I want you to hold. 'You're too sensitive' is a verdict on you. 'That landed hard on me and I need a minute' is a description of a moment. One ends conversations, one continues them. Watch which one gets used in your house.
Now your part, because you asked honestly. If you bring things up at 11 p.m., mid-argument, or with a list of past offenses attached, the content will get lost. That doesn't make his deflection fair — it makes it easier. Give him nothing to hide behind. One issue, one sentence, one calm moment.
Then watch what he does when there's nothing to critique. If the subject still becomes your delivery, you've learned something important, and it isn't about your sensitivity.
Practical script: 'I want to tell you about one thing, and I'd like you to tell it back to me before you respond.' If he can repeat what you said, you have a communication problem you can work on. If he won't, you have a different problem.
Think about this
- Can you name the issue in one sentence without history attached?
- What happens in your body when you're told your reaction is the problem?
- When was the last time either of you repaired something well?
What would you tell her?
What does it look like when someone actually hears you?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Communication
- Relationships
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.