OK Sandra... I Don't Want to Forgive Yet.
The letter
Sandra,
What she did was not small. People keep quoting scripture at me like it's a deadline. I still pray, but I pray angry.
Does that make me a bad Christian?
— Still Angry in the Third Pew
Sandra says
You are praying. Angry, but praying. I'd call that a relationship, not a failure.
Somewhere along the way forgiveness got confused with three other things: reconciliation, trust, and pretending. It isn't any of them. You can forgive someone and never hand them your house keys again. You can forgive and still say what happened out loud. Forgiveness is about what you put down; reconciliation requires two people and repentance, and nobody can schedule that for you.
About the deadline people: they usually mean well and they are usually uncomfortable. A woman's anger makes rooms nervous, especially church rooms. Their discomfort is not a spiritual instruction.
You are allowed to come to it honest. That's the whole point. Bring the anger — it's more faithful than a polite performance.
Practical: stop debating forgiveness for now and work on the actual injury. Write the full account once, for no one. Then ask what you need to feel safe, which is a different question from what she deserves. Forgiveness, if it comes, tends to arrive as a byproduct rather than a decision.
Think about this
- What are you being asked to give up in the name of forgiveness?
- What would safety look like, separate from forgiveness?
- Who benefits most from you moving on quickly?
What would you tell her?
Have you ever forgiven someone before you were ready — and what did it cost?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Faith
- Grief
- Boundaries
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.