OK Sandra... I Said No and Now Everyone Is Mad at Me.
The letter
Sandra,
I told my family I'm not lending money anymore. My brother called me selfish. My mother said I've changed.
Was I wrong?
— The Bad Guy Now, 31
Sandra says
Their discomfort is not evidence that you were wrong. It's evidence that the old arrangement was working for them.
Systems resist change, and families are systems. When one person stops playing a role, everyone else has to move, and moving is annoying. Expect a period of noise. Noise is not proof of error.
That said, let's check your delivery, because boundaries land differently depending on how they're issued. A boundary is about what you will do, not a rule for other people. 'I'm not lending money' is a boundary. 'You need to get your life together' is a critique wearing a boundary's coat. If any of that crept in, apologize for that part only — not for the decision.
And you don't get to set the boundary and also manage their feelings about it. Pick one. The second job is the one that will exhaust you.
Practical: decide now what you will say the third time it's brought up, because there will be a third time. One sentence, same sentence, no new reasons. New reasons invite negotiation.
Think about this
- Is the objection to the boundary, or to how it was delivered?
- What's your one sentence for the third conversation?
- What do you lose if you go back?
What would you tell her?
What happened the first time you held a boundary through the backlash?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
- Ask Sandra
- Boundaries
- Family
- Money
Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
Keep reading
Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.