OK Sandra... Why Do I Keep Choosing People Who Need Saving?
The letter
Sandra,
Every man I've loved has been in the middle of something — a bad job stretch, a divorce, a crisis. I'm excellent during a crisis. When things calm down, they leave or I get bored.
I'm starting to think I'm the common denominator.
— The Fixer, 36
Sandra says
You are, and I'm glad you said it, because that's the sentence everything useful comes after.
Being needed is a very convincing counterfeit for being loved. It's dependable, it's measurable, and it never requires you to be vulnerable — the person in crisis is doing all the exposing. You get intimacy without risk. That's a good deal right up until it isn't.
The boredom you mentioned is the real tell. Calm feels like nothing is happening because you've never practiced being loved in ordinary conditions. Steadiness registers as absence. That's worth working on with a therapist, because it's usually older than any of these three men.
None of this makes you a martyr or a fool. Rescuers are usually people who learned young that love was earned through usefulness. It worked. That's why it's hard to stop.
Practical: on the next first date, notice how you feel when there is no problem to solve. If you feel bored, don't leave — get curious. Ask yourself what you'd have to offer if competence weren't the offering.
Think about this
- What did you have to do to be valuable in your family?
- What happens in you when things are calm?
- Who has ever taken care of you, and how did you handle it?
What would you tell her?
Have you ever mistaken being needed for being loved?
Reader responses open when our moderated community launches. Until then, write to Sandra directly.
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Before you go...
- What part of this sounded familiar?
- What would you tell your best friend if she were in this situation?
- What are you afraid will happen if you say what you actually need?
- What would you do differently if guilt weren't making the decision?
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Editorial note: this is a sample letter written by the OK SANDRA editorial team during the Founding Preview. It is not a real reader submission. "Sandra Says" represents the editorial voice of the platform, inspired by Sandra K. Brooks.